


Brendon makes mistakes.

by fuckyouurie



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M, One Shot, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, be careful please, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 04:32:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5483573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckyouurie/pseuds/fuckyouurie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are some things Brendon Urie just shouldn't say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brendon makes mistakes.

“Ryan- look I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!”

Brendon slouched with his back to the door, the door of the room which Ryan had locked himself in only seconds ago. He didn’t mean it. Not really. Yes, sometimes Ryan was sad; but this was beyond anything Brendon had even seen from him before.

//

Their day started normally, to them at least. Breakfast passed, lunch passed and dinner just the same- nothing seemed different. Then Ryan started to feel it again; this time it came heavier and loomed over him for much longer, but became a problem as soon as it hit 2am and Brendon wanted to sleep.

“Can you stay with me, Bren? I don’t know if I can handle this by myself.”

It took Brendon a second to think about it. Maybe he should stay up for just a while, he thought. Just an hour at least.

“I’ll stay up for an hour or two, okay? You’ll be alright in a while.”

Ryan was thankful for this act, but at the same time felt bad about Brendon having to stay awake and deal with his ‘problem’. He was depressed, so the doctor said; so depressed that he experienced suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. They both sat around in bed for a while, Ryan spilling his heart out to Brendon. This happened everyday- but today was an exception. Today Brendon made a mistake.

Brendon was getting delirious, therefore he decided to tell Ryan that he wanted to go to sleep in a few minutes; which for Brendon would hopefully stop Ryan’s outbursts.

“I’m getting really tired, Ry…In a minute, I’m gonna get some sleep.”

Ryan’s face dropped. He could never handle himself on his own, it would always end up with either new scars or suicide attempts. Sometimes both.

“Brendon, please don’t go to sleep when I’m like this… you know I can’t deal with this.”

Truth be told, he was getting bored of the whole Ryan situation. All the time it was ‘don’t leave me alone’ and ‘stay with me’. Ryan was basically the equivalent of a child to him, sticking with him all time time, not being able to leave him alone in case of danger. But Ryan just simply couldn’t handle himself. The next thing Brendon said was the pivot of the day. Everything that was happening moved around his one sentence.

“I just need a break, okay? Just… It’s tiring to listen to all the time.”

That was it. Brendon’s mistake. Ryan looked down at his hands and shook his head slowly.

“This doesn’t take a break, Brendon. I can’t just stop it because you want me to.”

He stood up and walked into the bathroom, not with any sign of annoyance or anger after the previous sentence. The surprising sound of the bathroom door locking hung in the air. Neither of them ever locked the bathroom door. Because of this, Brendon started to worry. Ryan surely didn’t take it to heart, right? Ryan never took anything personally, right? Wrong. Brendon knew he was wrong, but he still didn’t learn from the last time.

//

“Ryan- look I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!”

A couple more minutes passed until he heard anything from Ryan. The first audible thing Brendon heard was crying; the kind of crying that’s nearly silent. Brendon’s worry levels were through the roof since Ryan never cried not to his knowledge anyway. Ever. He didn’t even try to shout, he knew it wasn’t going to either help nor hinder the event.

“Hey, open the door. Do something so I know you’re okay! Please?”

While Brendon was against the door, Ryan was sat on the floor on the other side of the door with blade in hand and toxic thoughts.

_Why are you waiting for this? This your chance to end it all. Brendon doesn’t want you, he’s tired of it. Brendon doesn’t really care about you. Really, he wants you to do it so he has an excuse to fuck someone else._

Ryan couldn’t shake the thoughts. There was no option to ignore them; it was a constant battle with himself. He didn’t want to leave Brendon; his boyfriend was the only thing keeping him sane all this time, his only reason to keep going. He sat there with his blade held up to his wrist, staring down at the previous cuts that had been made on his arm. Years and years of scars and memories had built up to this moment.

“I’m sorry Brendon.”

Ryan had never been so quiet before, it was barely a mumble- but Brendon heard it. He was crying a lot harder than before, only just being able to catch his breath. “Whatever you’re doing I need you to stop… please R-Ryan… just do it for me.”

Dropping the blade to the floor, Ryan reached up and unlocked the bathroom door and lazily shuffled aside so that brendon could then open the door. He joined Ryan on the floor, grabbing his blade and putting it in the small trash bin next to the bath. “Are you alright? Are you bleeding? Wh-” Brendon was cut off by Ryan’s whispers. “I’m okay… I’m okay.”

 


End file.
